Dad's Cancer

I don't know what to think or how to feel. The relationship between my father and I has only ever been "o.k." never really good. Now he might need me, to help out when he gets too sick. My step-mom is working full time and trying to take care of him. He still works but can't manage as much as he used to, the chemo really does a number on him. He's tried to mend fences, he really has, but it's hard for me to just forget all the crap that happened in the past. It was difficult for me to see him when they came for a visit on their way to Yellowstone last week. He looks so different, his hair all fell out and came back a different color, he looks smaller and weaker.
No one wants to think about their parents dying, even if they have a bad relationship. Because then you have to face your own weakness, your own mortality.
I know he's dying. If the cancer doesn't take his life it will at least shorten it considerably despite the treatment he's had. How am I supposed to deal with it? I guess I've been ignoring what's going on. I don't want to go home and take care of him, I have my own children to take care of. But I can't just abandon him either. He needs me, needs my support. Needs to know that I forgive him and will be there for him when he needs me to come home.
I have time to start a life with my family here in Wyoming. There is no reason for me to stay in Texas permanently. I can still have a house and a life here but he may not have that much time left. My step-mom suggested we set up a day each month for a long call so that we can keep up with everything. So they can talk to the kids and get to know them more, so they can let us know how his treatments are going.
I suppose that'll work for now.

Here I am again, beating my head against the wall and wondering when the craps gonna stop happening.
My husband was home for only one day for Thanksgiving. We didn't see him again until January 4th. He missed our youngest daughter's birthday, Christmas and New Years. Of course the kids are getting kinda attitude-y since he's been gone so much. Makes me want to run away and hide.
I didn't get married so I could be a single mom. This isn't what I signed that paper for.
I'm not a social person. I don't make friends easily. Since I have to have the kids with me all the time it's hard to make a friend that isn't one of my kids' friends' mom and doesn't involve playdates.
I would just like to have a little time to myself and that is impossible to do without my husband here to take over every now and then.
I'd like to go sit at Starbucks for lunch, eat an insanely expensive sandwich and sip a frappucino while reading a giant fiction book. Just to have an hour or two without having to stop an argument between kids or field constant requests for things we can't afford.
It would go a long way toward preserving my sanity.
Perhaps I should use those few moments alone to write a book. One that couldn't be anything but a bestseller. Then maybe I could have enough money to keep him from having to work so much.
And hire a Nanny. That would really be nice.